Back By Popular Demand - The Annotated "Christmas Shoes

So yeah, I never post anymore and this blog is all but dead, but the holiday wouldn't be complete without my annual retelling of The Annotated "Christmas Shoes. Do they even play this piece of shit on the radio anymore? Happy Holidays, all.



In December of 2000, I was driving to work, when I heard everyone's favorite radio racists, Steve and DC, talking about a new Christmas song, a song that was so beautiful that was destined to become a classic. The concept of a new Christmas song is pretty dicey at best, and the fact that this song was being performed by a group called Newsong wasn’t really all the encouraging.

For the next five minutes or so, I sat stupefied. While I expected some worthless tripe to poison my airwaves, I didn't expect a steaming pile of dog shit, horribly written, and badly executed to make my ears burn. It was like this song was written in some alternate universe Brill Building, completely calculated to make one’s eyes moist and one's heart feel all warm, a modern classic to remind us "what Christmas is all about."

Feh.

Sadly, this song does seem to touch people (there are legions of fans on the internet still raving about it, the novel it inspired and the tv movie inspired by the novel (Oh, Kimberly Williams, how utterly disappointed you must be in your career)). In my internet research, I’ve discovered that is monstrosity is "based on a true story." So, with my apologies to people who like this song, dead mothers, poor people, the "people" in the "true story" that inspired this song, and the people who work at Payless, I begin.

It was almost Christmas time, there I stood in another line

What is "almost Christmas time"? July? Christmas shit starts hitting the shelves in the summer, and by time Halloween is over, Thanksgiving is a one-day break from the runaway train that is Christmas, so as a listener, I’m already confused as to when this song takes place. I'm gonna go with Arbor Day.

Trying to buy that last gift or two, not really in a Christmas mood

Well, if it's only Arbor Day and he's on his last gift or two, he's doing pretty goddamn well (I've still only bought one gift at this point).

Standing right in front of me was a little boy waiting anxiously
Pacing 'round like little boys do

Now, any writing teacher worth their salt will tell you that describing anything as the way "little boys do," or "children often do" or whatever is just horrible, horrible writing. It's a total cop-out stylistically.


And in his hands he held a pair of shoes

And his clothes were worn and old, he was dirty from head to toe
And when it came his time to pay

Three lines in a row were started with the word "and." Three!

I couldn’t believe what I heard him say

Yeah, I wouldn’t believe it, either. Normally I don’t spit out some badly rhymed diatribe when I’m trying purchase a pair of shoes.

Chorus:

Sir, I want to buy these shoes, for my Mama, please
It's Christmas Eve

So it’s Christmas Eve, is it? How is that "almost Christmas time"? By Christmas Eve, Christmas is practically fucking over.

and these shoes are just her size

Who gives a tiny rats ass that the shoes are "just her size"? You're at a fucking shoe store, ostensibly at a mall. Unless Mama has some freakishly large or small feet the fact that these shoes are "just her size" isn't really worth mentioning, Tiger.

Could you hurry, sir, Daddy says there’s not much time

Time enough to be wandering the mall alone buying shoes, though

You see, she’s been sick for quite a while

Perhaps this child shouldn’t have waited to "almost Christmas time" to buy these fucking shoes

And I know these shoes would make her smile

Note - on my deathbed, please run to Payless so you can put one last smile on my face

And I want her to look beautiful, if Mama meets Jesus tonight

This line is just horseshit. We switched from "her" to "Mama" mid-sentence. There’s no agreement here. Horrible. HORRIBLE.

He counted pennies for what seemed like years

Again, bullshit line that would get you a lot of red ink on your paper in Writing 101. "Seemed like years"? Yawn.

But the fact that the little dirty boy with the dying mama has to pay in pennies is supposed to make your heart melt. "Aw, he’s gotta pay with pennies." I mean, I got a really nice pair of shoes at Payless a few months ago for $11.99, and while I’m pretty sure Mama’s goddamn gorgeous Jesus shoes must have cost more than that, even $11.99 worth of pennies is 1199 pennies. If the kid only had half of that, he’s carrying over five hundred pennies. No wonder he was pacing around anxiously (like little boys do). He’s totally weighted down by these pennies. What was he carrying them in, I wonder?

Then the cashier said, "Son, there’s not enough here."

He searched his pockets frantically (expecting to find a thousand pennies hidden in his Toughskins?)

Then he turned and looked at me

Here comes the unmitigated gall

He said, "Mama made Christmas good at our house

One has to wonder, was this grammatically frightening sentence was written to sound like folksy child-speak, of if the (I can’t even believe I’m going to use this word) "songwriter" was just a moronic hack. I'll let you be the judge.

Though must years she just did without

Without what? Christmas? Verbal ability?

Tell me, Sir, what I am gonna do?

Oh, I don't know. Go home and be with your dying mother! Nah, you should just rattle on a little longer. It's only "if" she meets Jesus tonight, not "when."

Somehow I’ve got to buy her these Christmas shoes"

This is the part where I always begin to wonder if this is just some sort of scam, and if Mama and Daddy are really out in the parking, drinking Jack Daniels and screwing in their El Camino, as their kid is in the mall holding up the line at a shoe store, trying to scam some stupid sap out of twenty bucks.

So I laid the money down

Hopefully not in pennies

I just had to help him out

I'll never forget the look on his face when he said,

"Mama’s gonna look so great."

If, as we're being led to believe, this woman is a cough away from biting the big one, how great exactly are these shoes going to make her look? In fact, would Christmas slippers be more appropriate? I don't really think Mama's gonna put these shoes on and start dancing around the house. I hope they have a low heel, at any rate.

Seriously, "Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer" is a better song. Or that one where the dogs bark "Jingle Bells."

There's another bullshit chorus, where you might notice that the singer is really hitting every syllable with the same emphasis, and they've really squeezed as many words as they possibly can in the is piece of crap.

I knew I’d caught a glimpse of Heaven’s love
As he thanked me and ran out

I'd be demanding that kid give me his address and the receipt, because those shoes would be going to back to the store on December 26th.

I knew that God had sent that little boy
To remind me what Christmas is all about

Filth? Cancer? Panhandling?

Then there’s a majestic child's choir, warbling out the chorus again, and then finally, mercifully, the song comes to an end, but not before a lone child’s voice, squeaks out the final, "If Mama meets Jesus tonight."

Call me a humbug, but this song doesn't warm my heart or make me think of what Christmas is all about. It just makes me angry.

Instead of writing my own conclusion, I thought I'd leave you with a random post I found about this song when I was doing my research. While I'm pleased with my analysis of the song, this writer really sums it up best:

This is the worst song ever. Call me heartless, but some little boy is not gonna be like "Hi, my mom needs shoes," and Jesus does not care about your shoes. If I were like the cashier, I'd be like, "Yo momma is not gonna meet Jesus, yo momma is gonna burn in HELL." God bless!

Boycott Heinz Products!

After 200 complaints (and some allegedly posthumous crowing by the American Family Association, whose aim is to promote bigotry under the guise of "values") Heinz has pulled an ad for its Deli Mayo featuring two men "kissing" from the UK airwaves.

Some may call this a manufactured controversy – that Heinz knew that this would cause such a stir, except there's nothing controversial about it. It's two men who have a very brief smack on the lips. English broadcast TV, no slouch in the swearing and nudity department, finds THIS so offensive that it has to be pulled? In the year 2008?

If it's a created controversy, so be it. It's still an insult to gay people everywhere.

Bill O'Reilly - that paragon of moral virtue -taking credit for helping to get this scourge of an ad off the British airwaves within a week of its first airing, couldn't have said it better when he said "You don't put on a commercial that is number going to offend millions of people, because" and this is where he scrunches up his face in an EW GROSS manner, "they don't want to see that!"

And there you have it, ladies and gentleman! People don't want to see that because at the end of the day, demonstrative displays of homosexuality (particularly MALE homosexuality) just icks them out, even the benign displays found in this ad. And mayonnaise should really just be for one man and one woman. And it's high time we do something about people using mayonnaise in a way god didn't intend.

Gay men gross people out so much that even a kiss between men pretty much devoid of any sexuality can't even exist as a joke in a mayonnaise commercial. This is how far we've come?

That said, I urge all of you to boycott Heinz and all of its subsidiaries until they issue a public apology to the gay community for their cowardly, pandering act. Some – not all – of Heinz's products include the following:

Heinz Ketchup
Heinz 57
HP Sauces and Lea & Perrins Worcestershire Sauce
Jack Daniel's Sauces and Marinades
Mr Yoshida's Fine Sauces
Ore-Ida products
Deli Mex
Bagel Bites
TGI Fridays supermarket items
Wyler's Bouillon
Weight Watchers frozen items
Boston Market supermarket items
Classico Pasta Sauce

This list is by no means comprehensive, but once I have the website up and running I'll try to keep it as up to date as possible.

You can contact the US division of Heinz at (800) 255-5750 and let then know what you think.

The Folly of Youth

If you don't know the context, it's a very different number, but whatever, I love it so.

Dreams are a sweet mistake

I'm trying not to get too excited.

I'm trying to remember how easily I've been burned before.

That said, I'm pretty much ready to shit my pants at the thought of Follies being turned into a movie.

The fact that Bill Condon's name is nowhere near this makes me happy. While I enjoyed his screenplay for Chicago, every time I return to his movie version of Dreamgirls I find myself a little more disappointed. Perhaps, with movie musicals seemingly a mainstay again, Dreamgirls was the last of "we have to justify their singing" movie musicals. Here's a justification - they're singing because it's a musical!

As long as it's not the travesty that was Rent, though, I'm sure to manage.

If the powers that be are reading this (and why wouldn't they be?), may I humbly suggest either Vanessa Williams or Michelle Pfeiffer for Phyllis?

And there will be no reward in the afterlife for me getting out of your way

So, yeah, it's been a while. This isn't a big "I'm back and better than ever" post, nor is it an "I'm not blogging anymore" post. I'm just sort of checking in, letting my fan know that, like Carlotta Campion, I'm still here.

So, yeah - too much has been going on, too much to probably get into on here. Suffice it to say that it's been something of a rough road, but I finally got out of harm's way a few weeks ago and I seem to be back on the upswing.

In other news, I'm now a homeowner. I'm still not quite sure how I pulled that off, but there's a brand spanking new mortgage with my name on it, reminding me that I've officially crossed the threshold to grown-uphood.

In more other news, I'm toying with the idea of locking this blog up a bit, and not letting every Tom, Dick and Holly have a look at it without my consent. Should I go private, I'll note it before I do, and anyone who wants to have access will just have to send me an email.

Last, but not least, the Kringazoid sends his love to all of you in the blogosphere.

The Kring and I

I may just turn this into a blog devoted to my baby! A lot of people have been asking questions about him, so I figure I'll devote this entry to answering all the burning questions about my baby bulldog.

What's the meaning of the name Kringas?

Kringas comes from the Sondheim musical Merrily We Roll Along, a notorious flop, but one of my favorites. Charley Kringas is my favorite character in the show, and I've always thought that Kringas would be a really great name for just the right dog. When I saw a picture of my baby to be, I knew Kringas would suit him perfectly.

Where did Kringas the dog come from?

Kringas spent the first year and a half or so of his life with a very nice family out in the burbs. Unable to care for him anymore, his family placed an ad with a cute little picture of him, expressing their desire to find the right home for him. This was the picture that they posted of him. I saw him and knew right then that he was my dog.



What kind of dog is Kringas?

Kringas is a Boston Terrier/French Bulldog Mix. His face is very Boston like, but he's got a squatty little bulldog body.

What does Kringas think of his new home?

My little Kringazoid is settling in pretty nicely. He doesn't seem to be 100% housebroken and he's not so great with other dogs, but these are things that his very patient new daddy will work on with him.

What's a fun fact about Kringas?

Kringas loves green beans!

Kringas

So much going on right now, all of it good. Change is a stressor though, no matter how positive, so I spend most of my days trying to keep myself from having a breakdown.

While my life sorts itself out, please meet the latest addition to the B Pryde Machine, a little gentleman I like to call Kringas.